Font ResizeThat is what I remembered thinking immediately after she offered it.
"Hey there, cutie," said the woman in her early 50s. Her tone suggested that she might not really believe what she was saying. But then, perhaps I'm getting cynical in my middle age.
"Are you married?" she asked even before ordering, while curling a lock of gray-tipped stylishly cut hair behind her left ear.
I've discovered that responding to a question like that in the affirmative can often lead to an abrupt end in conversation. Being in the need for a little attention myself, I delayed my answer by soliciting a drink order.
One chocolate mint mojito later, I was hoping to hear more about my attractiveness. But as is the case with these sorts of things something else got in the way. In fact, it wasn't something it was someone.
A man 10 years older than me came in, and before he sat down the woman asked, "Are you married?" At first he looked around figuring she was talking to somebody else.
"Uhh, yes I am," he said, ending the conversation even before it started. I smiled at the validation of my experience.
She turned her attention back to me.
"Are you married?" she asked me again.
Before I could answer another man, about my age, arrived at the recently vacated spot next to her.
"Hey there, cutie," she said turning to the new arrival, making me feel decidedly less special. "Are you married?"
"Are
"Sort of," she replied coyly.
"What does that mean?" he said, putting down the list.
"It means that I've been married for 25 years and now I'm bored."
"The answer to your question is, yes, I am married."
She turned away from him even before he finished his answer.
"Are you married?" she asked me once again. I was beginning to wonder if she would forget my previous two answers if I changed it now.
Repetitiveness and circular conversations are often the hallmarks of intoxication. I decided to slow down her service. Instead of liquoring up people and then cutting them off, savvy bartenders will sometimes monitor drinking by checking back infrequently, pretending to forget an order or by simple avoidance. There are some times when avoiding confrontation works best, especially when mixed with equal parts ego and alcohol. I made my excuses and wandered down the bar to see what other trouble was available.
When I returned she had struck up a conversation with a regular patron who was perhaps 15 years older than she, and as I well knew, recently divorced.
She was describing her boredom with her marriage to the new arrival; I guessed that they had covered the "cutie" and "married" parts already.
"What's your story?" he said tilting his head and narrowing his eyes.
That was all she needed to tell her tale of woe. A philandering husband, an empty nest - I've heard it all before. By the time she finished, some 20 minutes later, she was visibly upset and hovered on the verge of tears.
So much for boredom, and so much for foreplay.
Back in the days when I could answer the married question in the negative, I had a few flings with women dealing the revenge card. Nights like those usually started full of promises but ended up in tears and venom. Spending all evening listening to another man's foibles is not my idea of fun.
By the time closing time rolled around, her listener was there to walk her to her car, or perhaps his.
Returning to retrieve the scarf she left at the bar he leaned forward.
"Looks like I'm going to get lucky," he said with wink.
I thought briefly about sharing a bit of my experience with him. But instead, I just smiled.
As the two headed out toward one of their cars three things popped into my head.
- "Getting lucky" is a relative expression.
- Sometimes affairs are less about lust and more about revenge.
- Everyone needs to learn his or her own lessons.
Jeff Burkhart is an award-winning bartender at a Marin bar/restaurant and an author. His columns appear weekly in Here. Contact him at jeffb@thebarflyonline.com.
Jeff's "lucky" chocolate mint mojito
1/2 ounce vanilla vodka
1 ounce regular vodka
1/2 ounce fresh squeezed lemon juice
4 to 5 large fresh leaves of chocolate mint (see note)
1 sprig of chocolate mint, for garnish
Combine first four ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice. Shake until ice cold. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass and garnish with mint sprig. Sip knowing that "up" drinks, like revenge, are best served cold.
Note: Chocolate mint is variety of mint (like spearmint, peppermint and catnip) that has a mild chocolate flavor. Its season begins in early March.
