It had been a typical fall evening. Perhaps "fall" is too limiting because it was the kind of evening that happens every night somewhere in the restaurant business. Drinks were made, drinks were served. Food was ordered, food was served. I had been up and down the bar 100 times - about 10 miles a day, according to a pedometer I once wore.

One couple had been quite a bit of fun. We laughed, we confided and we worked our way through three courses. But, most importantly, we established rapport.

When the time came, I presented them with the bill. The two of them intently studied the sum total for an evening's enjoyment.

Finally, the man took off his glasses and reached out his hand with the signed credit card receipt. Everything was going perfectly.

"Is that enough?" he asked with a look of "maybe" written all over his face.

So much for perfectly.

It was the very epitome of the slippery slope.

I didn't even look at the tip because it really didn't matter. Any bartender or server knows the only way to answer this question is in the affirmative. Discussing a tip with a customer is one of the surest ways to lose your job. What could I possibly say? No? Just think of the all the possible ways for that to go wrong.

Gratuities are indeed the backbone of the service industry. Obviously, very few people would do the job if not for the tips. But having said that, tips are not the only reason that people work in restaurants. Some people actually take pride in doing

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things well. Others enjoy the flexible hours. There are even people who actually enjoy providing a service to others. Some enjoy all the intricacies of food and wine, some enjoy the history and some enjoy the social atmosphere. There are an awful lot of reasons to enjoy the job. The most important is not always the amount of money made. But on occasion it is reduced to that. And when it is, it is always an awkward conversation.

"Don't worry, I'm a big tipper," is a phrase many servers hear - reducing the interaction to its lowest denominator. There is nothing like having your time reduced to a couple of dollars, if that. It is rather insulting really. And, people who say things like that rarely live up to their boast.

Many people work for a living, but to have someone imply that we in the restaurant business are only interested in "making money" is something most of us could do without. Of course we are interested in making a living, but then so is everybody who has a job.

With this in mind I came up with a few things to consider about gratuities.

From the customer side:

- Asking a server if the gratuity you have already left is acceptable will almost never get you an honest answer. And frankly, you have already made your decision.

- Tips are usually shared (at least to some degree) by the service staff. Meaning that if you give your server $5, he or she will almost certainly not get to keep all of it.

- Before you toss someone an extra dollar after monopolizing his time for 15 minutes, think for a moment how you would feel if someone did the same to you.

- Custom suggests a 15 percent tip. Anything more is a bonus. If you know that the restaurant is expensive and decide that you are going to save money by tipping less, be assured that this behavior says more about you than the establishment you are patronizing.

- Being rude or demanding is never going to be glossed over by an extra $3.

Now, it would be unfair to discuss tips without some observations from the other side. Here are some things to consider about gratuities from the service side:

- Never discuss how much money you make; it is really no ones business but your own.

- Never discuss poor-tipping customers while at work. It makes it appear as if that is all you are interested in, which is a real turn off if you are a customer sitting nearby.

- Never look at the gratuity before thanking your guests; it appears as if you are thanking them for their money and not their patronage.

- There are a million things to converse with customers about - the weather, the Warriors, the food. Tipping should never be one of them.

Jeff Burkhart is an award-winning bartender at a Marin bar/restaurant and an author. His columns appear weekly in Here. Contact him at jeffb@thebarflyonline.com.