Font Resize"No, just water."
As if water isn't something to drink.
"Just water" is an ironic comment in a bar. "Just" implies that it really isn't any effort at all, but because of the way most bars are set up, water is one of the most time-consuming drinks to make. Plus, water yields no return for either the bar or the bartender.
As I made his no-yield beverage two women to his right also noticed his obvious discomfort and, perhaps because of some deep-seated maternal instinct, stepped in to help alleviate it.
"Are you waiting for someone?" asked the redhead in denim.
"No, yes," he stammered.
While I waited for his water glass to fill, I surveyed the situation: middle-aged man, dressed semi-casually, nervously looking around. Clearly, it was an Internet date.
"Do you come here often?" said the redhead's brunette companion.
"Uh, you know, once in a while."
Eventually after two glasses of slow-pouring water his story came out. This was his first real date after his divorce. There had been that awkward thing with the girl from the coffee shop and that more awkward thing with his ex-wife's friend, all of which had only served to shake his already-fragile confidence in himself. Of course, he didn't put it quite that way, but to anyone who has seen this sort of thing knows how easy it is to see
"Are you two compatible?" asked the redhead.
"Do you have the same interests?" asked the brunette.
"I think so."
"Like what?" they practically said in unison.
He went on to explain himself, and it was soon apparent that he fancied himself quite the catch. The only thing he said about his date was that she was very, very attractive.
"Besides, I'm quite the party animal. I just hope she can handle me," he added with more bravado than conviction.
The conversation was cut short by the arrival of a statuesque platinum blonde in pink pumps.
"Hey, Cynthia," I said before I realized that she was the date that he was waiting for.
He quickly looked from me to her.
"What are you drinking?" Cynthia asked Mr. H20.
"Water."
"Water? I'll have a shot of tequila. My usual," she said to me.
"Hey, Cynthia," said another man who had seemingly appeared out of nowhere.
"Hi, Carl," she said.
Mr. H20 now looked from Carl to Cynthia in much the same way that he had looked from Cynthia to me.
Carl proceeded to hang around for an uncomfortably long period of time. When he left another man appeared. There was another exchange of looks. It was a situation that repeated itself while they waited at the bar.
It soon became apparent that it was not going to be a problem for her to handle him, but rather, whether he was going to be able to handle her.
When they finally went in for dinner, leaving a trail of her "friends" behind at the bar, I reflected on a few things someone should consider when he or she finally meets his or her first Internet date.
- If you chose your date because they he/she was the hottest person on the Web site, understand that everyone else might have already made the same choice too.
- If the bartender knows your date by his/her first name - as does everyone else in the bar - your first time is probably not his/her first time.
- If none of this matters to you, then you probably aren't really looking for a serious relationship, at least not yet.
- The Law of Attraction - which states you should ask for what you want, believe that it is possible and receive it when it comes - might be ripe for disaster when it comes to dating, because almost no one is a good judge of his/her own attractiveness.
Jeff Burkhart is an award-winning bartender at a Marin bar/restaurant and an author. His columns appear weekly in Here. Contact him at jeffb@thebarflyonline.com.
